When you write for a living, a weird thing can happen to your written voice. It becomes so malleable, smooshed into a house style to fit and be accepted that when you sit down to write for yourself, on your own terms, about whatever the hell you want to, the voice can take a while to get itself out. There’s a stutter, a whimper, a whisper. It’s so unsure of itself. What does it stand for? What is it trying to say? What’s the most natural way to say it?
Well, I’m not sure if that happens to all writers but it happens to me. Regularly. So regularly infact that there are large chunks of time represented as blanks in this blog’s more than three year history. Blanks where I am sitting somewhere stressing out about my blog’s direction, my inability to do justice to the ideas in my head and then the subsequent avoidance. There have been times that I have felt my voice ring out loud and clear on these pages as I share something close and dear to me or something personal and frightening. And just as I do, as I open up and let my readers get a real feel for me, I freak myself out and bolt that voice away lest it get too loud and lead me closer to where I actually want to be. It’s an act of self-sabotage of that I’m sure.
I’m not writing this from a place of revelation, I am still a little unsure of what I’m doing here. But I know I want to be here all the same. And for me, that’s good enough. Sometimes, I feel like I have to have something really big to say to write here, but the big things tend to scare the voice away. The voice doesn’t feel like it can do the big things justice somedays, or that others can say these things better than it can. So maybe I’ll stick to the little things again for awhile, to see if I can tease it out from it’s word cave. And at the moment, it’s the little things that are giving me the most joy. Little steps on wooden floors, little face kisses and an arm casually slung around my shoulder and little heart leaps from a place of numbness. The little things are the things of real life, of little chats with people in my neighbourhood, of laughs with friends, of making loud noises during fireworks, nailing a yoga pose that a few weeks ago sent me toppling and of that morning coffee feeling as it warms my hand.
And if that is all, then that is all.
Since the beginning of the year I’ve embarked on a journey of self discovery. It’s not a journey that’s new to me, I was the dorky teenage girl buying ‘self help’ books in the late 90s looking for answers, I had CDs of whale music and I bought herbal tea to relaaaaaaaax.
I never thought of myself as a ‘hippy’, as compared to the look that was popular around my northern NSW home growing up I was practically a straighty-180. It was only when I moved to the city that I realised that my views, style and interests were probably considered fairly alternative with a side-serving of hippy. Continue reading
I sit here, the house all quiet with the rain tinkling on the roof and a lemon tea beside me. I’ve just got home from yoga and feel all relaxed and centred but not quite ready for sleep. I’ve been in a reflective mood lately and tonight is more of the same. It’s peaceful reflection, not the stuff of my external life but of my internal truths, longings and battles. I feel a gentle shift back towards the essence of me, but as it shifts I feel resistance rising in the space. I take a breath and surrender to the feeling. Continue reading
Well, I missed last Monday’s meditation as we were up in Hervey Bay and there was a lot of hanging out with the boys and their nana and pop as well as watching live updates of the flood situation that was happening all around us. We were OK, but the road was cut to get back to Brisbane and poor Bundaberg just over an hour up the road was total carnage.
Nobody wants a disaster of such magnitude to come knocking on their door (or pouring through their door in this case) but I’m always struck by the amount of immense kindness and goodness that comes out after such events. How beautiful and inspiring things come out of the seemingly impossible.
So, this week my meditation is about harnessing all the beautiful possibilities that are there waiting for us in every day.
I love this as a reminder of where to send your energy. I know I’ve been guilty of sending alot of energy towards critical people in the past to try and make them less critical of me I guess. But all that happens is they then get critical of whatever effort I make as well, which tends to make me feel angry and disheartened. I am lucky not to have too many people like this in my life but unfortunately they often have the loudest voices and the longest effect on me.
Having said that, I am fortunate to have some absolutely awesome people in my life, who inspire, uplift and leave me in awe of their ambition, achievements and attitude. These are the people I want to impress and hopefully leave the same positive effect on their life too.
Have a happy week connecting to your own special peeps!
I love this quote as it sums up what I’m wanting to achive with #SMSyogaaday.
It’s easy to sink into a rut and start to feel down when faced with life’s pressures. I am an introvert by nature which means I need some alone time each day to recharge and reenergise and I sometimes feel that quietly going about my work can be misjudged and misunderstood. I don’t stand out in a crowd but I am passionate about doing my best at all things. For all these reasons and more, these words really speak to me.
Wishing you all a shiny week xxx
Wouldn’t it be great if we could manage those self-limiting thoughts inside our head? Mine take control sometimes and make me feel ‘less than’, make me fearful and hold me back from my potential. This week, I resolve to stop letting them control me.