Since the beginning of the year I’ve embarked on a journey of self discovery. It’s not a journey that’s new to me, I was the dorky teenage girl buying ‘self help’ books in the late 90s looking for answers, I had CDs of whale music and I bought herbal tea to relaaaaaaaax.
I never thought of myself as a ‘hippy’, as compared to the look that was popular around my northern NSW home growing up I was practically a straighty-180. It was only when I moved to the city that I realised that my views, style and interests were probably considered fairly alternative with a side-serving of hippy.
As I’ve gotten older and responsibilities grew larger I guess I unconsiously stopped nurturing my hippy self. I no longer meditated or took time for navel gazing and my clothing choices became blander. People who know me would probably say I still have an individual style, but I started to think that the individual style they speak of is probably more ‘bag lady’ than ‘retro chic’.
So although my outward style or look wasn’t the reason I commenced this journey, lately the more I meditate and journal the more I get back in touch with that teenager who liked to wear clashing patterns and wasn’t afraid to stand out. In doing that I realise how I am almost unconsciously trying to make myself invisable with the clothes I choose and that some days I don’t really feel like myself.
So this week I found myself reaching for boldly coloured dresses and big jewellery. I started planning to cull my wardrobe and buy new clothes not merely for function but for fun and to make me feel good. I realised that my clothing choices were mirroring my inner life. I’ve been hiding the real me behind to do lists, small talk and other functions of life rather than expressing my passions and standing tall and confident in who I am.
The inner work is an ongoing journey that I’ve only just begun, but it all starts by making a realisation and sitting in its truth. Change is hard. It feels uncomfortable and confronting but exciting all at the same time. I want to feel closer and closer to my truth so that these boys of mine will find it easier to find theirs – whatever it may be.