Ah, my little blog home I’ve been neglecting you lately. Usually I’d feel guilt over such neglect, but there is no time for guilt trips when you’ve got a newborn to snuggle and a toddler to keep up with.
My baby boy is now 10 weeks old, this time whizzing by like a blink of a heavy-lidded eye. He is doing so well and so am I, which I’ve decided is just as important. I’ve been going easier on myself, this time around. Taking time out when I need it, checking in with any anxious feelings to find out what was causing them and turning any negative chatter around with positive self-talk.
It hasn’t been as zen as all that though. I’ve struggled with balancing the needs of both my boys – diffusing toddler tanties, while trying to soothe a catnapping newborn. Leaving the house has been an exercise in patience, with J boy now refusing to get in a pram and insisting on walking, which would be fine if he didn’t decide he was tired and start lying down on footpaths.
I’ve become hysterical in public, hiding fat hot tears behind sunglasses. I’ve felt tied down by endless breastfeeding and endless piles of washing and household chores. I’ve assumed the foetal position when the disorganisation of our house while it’s getting painted became too much.
However, I’ve also stared in wonder at both my boys growing so quickly. My big boy covering his little brother in kisses, my baby boy smiling at me for the first time, quiet feeds in the dead of night while lamp light illuminates downy hair. Moments like these are so fleeting and it’s lovely to enjoy them this time around.
My baby boy slept for a full 10 hours straight last night, a moment which filled me with relief and awe (so much sleep!) but also a little flutter of something else. A feeling that this little boy of mine is growing too quickly, that my last baby will not be a baby for long. So I hold on to him tight in the daytime hours, soaking him up while I still can and push any nagging negativity, anxiety, guilt or impatience aside.
One day soon these moments will be little snippets of memories, so I’ll hold him while I can.