I had just started a post against the wall of sound of wailing toddler, lamenting everything that was hard right now. I am tired, the boy is tantruming and waking at night shaken, my attempts to toilet train have thus far proved ineffective and baby number two will be here in just over 10 weeks.
But then my computer miraculously rebooted and I lost that post. The boy is now sitting here on my lap watching television quietly and my morning too feels like its received a reboot.
The feeling remains though. I sometimes feel like I suck at this parenting gig. And maybe that’s worth sharing.
I know I’m not a bad parent. I love my son, I do everything within my power to keep him safe, show him my love, feed him, clothe him, play with him. Why do I feel that this effort isn’t enough sometimes?
It all doesn’t really come naturally to me. I can’t just shrug off a tantrum or night waking as a developmental milestone, even though I try. I question why this is happening, what I can be doing to fix this, why I can’t just fix it all.
I don’t expect things to be easy. But some days I wish they were easier and I struggle against that feeling. I have so much to feel grateful for, why is it the hard things that remain at the top of my mind as I struggle through it? I’ve never been too good at hard things. They are things to hide from and avoid at all costs. Maybe this is my lesson here?
It’s important to me to be a positive influence on my son and my effort to stay positive sometimes takes every inch of my soul to muster. I don’t want to be one of those whinging mums who go on about all the hard things, but I’m definitely not one who wants to pretend that my son’s shit smells of roses and that in mothering I’ve found my true life calling.
My reality lies in the grey areas in between – sometimes there is light and sometimes there is dark. This is my truth. I just need to remind myself that there is no shame in admitting it.
Photo: Even the frozen yoghurt lid is telling me to smile! A shot of lightness amongst darkness.