I am finding it a bit tricky to blog at the moment. Usually I’d just ride it out and wait for a thought to pop up into my head or a moment to inspire or a feeling that needs to be written out but although I’ve had lots of those moments, I can’t seem to put words to them.
I start typing and it just doesn’t sound right or my inner critic whispers ‘who cares?’ in my ear and that every present doubt rises up and cuts me off mid sentence and I suddenly find something else ultra important to do. Such as emptying the bin, stacking the dishwasher or staring inanely at the ‘What do you think?’ section of Essential Baby.
As a bit of a side issue, wowee some of the shite that gets posted in there truly blows my mind and never fails to get me feeling all morose about the state of the sisterhood … which is probably why I keep heading back there, just to rub extra salt into theoretical wounds.
And maybe that feeling is at the crux of all of this. That I feel a bit lost. Like an odd one out somehow. I’ve always felt a bit that way, like my inner beliefs and values are somehow a bit outside the mainstream and if you take those beliefs and values and add motherhood into the mix that outsider feeling becomes amplified.
I feel a bit of an idealogical disconnect between the kind of mother I am and the kind of mother it seems that the rest of society expects me to be.
Maybe it’s because I have been spending too much time reading hyper-sensitive reactions on said parenting forums. Maybe it’s because I take too much notice of the truck-load of crap that various corporations try to flog off while trying to work the parental guilt angle to convince parents that there is yet another product that you need to buy to keep your child safe/well/happy.
Those Toddler formula ads are almost enough to send me hurling expletives at the TV, John McInroe style.
You surely can’t be serious! And don’t get me started on one-dimensional ‘reporting’ on parenting issues in the mainstream media.
The rational me knows its not nearly as mad and bad as all of that. But I can’t help getting all arm-chair protester about it. I get angry and wonder why it has to be like this. That people can be so easily convinced that they need so many things.
And being high-minded isn’t an easy thing to be when you’re feeling afraid and unsure. Thoughts seem to bust my head like arrows trying to get out.
But then there’s those moments beside my boy, as he grabs my hand and thrusts a book in it as a command to read to him. As he toddles along next to me, his hand firmly placed in mine. As he does another something new, I know that it doesn’t matter what the rest of the world thinks or tries to tell me. His expression when he looks at me tells me all I need to know. That I am loved, needed and worthy, that I am hilarious and awesome.
Here, in my world there is joy and lots of it. I need to concentrate on that and let everything else just fall away, the doubt, the struggle to be understood and to be everything to everyone.
Fall away and tread my path. With confidence and conviction and know that the rest will follow.