Yesterday, I read this lovely piece on pregnancy by Lori over at Random Rantings of a Stay at Home Mum. By the end I was a bawling mess, on the couch in front of my laptop.
I had to comment. In my comment I referenced the above pregnant pic of me that hangs on Jarvis’s bedroom wall.
I love this photo, it was one of many taken by my talented friend Leonie Clark when I was about 34 weeks. A little over a year ago. For a while, when Jarvis was younger and I was struggling to make sense of his facial palsy diagnosis and trying to reach a point of acceptance, I would sit feeding him in a dim light on the sofa bed beneath this picture and I would cry. I would look up at this picture and wish I was still that innocent. That hopeful. That I could still hold him within me and protect him from what else the world might throw at him.
I’ve moved on from those feelings now and as I watch my boy interact with the world, his cheeky smile never far from his lips, I feel hope again. Hope not near as innocent as that radiating from my eyes in this picture, but hope that is hard won, that comes from a place of challenges and soul searches.
I can look at this picture again without feeling sad, without wishing I still felt what I was feeling the day this picture was taken. I look at it now and remember. Remember what it felt like to have my baby inside me. When I didn’t know if he was a boy or a girl. When I didn’t know how big he would be, who he would look like, and what his name would be.
A time of innocence. But its been replaced by something else, something more powerful. A certainty that this soul that was then growing inside me and is now crawling around at my feet was always meant to be my son. That he has changed me, just by being. Now not so innocent, but so much stronger.
I love a bit of nostalgia, so as a celebration of Jarvis’s birth month I will be indulging in some flash backs in the next few weeks as I near his due date of October 17 and his eventual birth day of October 28. You’re welcome to join me!