Exactly nine months ago today, I was three hours into learning about my baby boy.
To say I was in awe was an understatement. My body had been through its biggest challenge; 41 weeks and three days of pregnancy and 33 hours of labour to bring me my most precious gift; but little did I know then that my biggest challenge was still to come.
Despite hearing stories from fellow mothers and reading a few books on parenting, I really had no idea of what life was going to be like with a baby, particularly a newborn. I didn’t yet know how I would feel when my baby screamed constantly, how I would survive sleep deprivation and how I would deal with his facial palsy diagnosis. I was excited and scared all at once.
Over the last nine months my son has taught me alot and if I was able to whiz back in time and whisper in the ear of my new mother self, I would tell her these 10 things: Continue reading
I have a long-held theory that a person’s clothes shopping style often mirrors the way they approach the search for love and friendship.
Take my style: I don’t particularly like shopping, but I like clothes. I can instantly tell if a store will hold anything for me following a cursory glance. It’s all about instinct. I don’t like trying on clothes for the heck of it, but only try on clothes I really like, that really catch my eye. My taste could be described as retro meets sensible. I live for jeans, but I love a wild pattern, I like detailing that you might not expect. A pocket here, a ruffle there, a large button, a metallic zip.
And such is the case with my nearest and dearest. Mr P caught my eye thanks to a polyster brown shirt and when conversation ensued I found a quirky sense of humour, a sensitivity and an honesty that I found refreshing but that others sometimes find confronting.
I often find clothing items and special people when I am not particularly looking, they jump out at me unexpectedly almost flagging me down with an accompanying feeling that tells me I am closer to myself, that I’ve made a special find.
I am starting to see how motherhood can be a series of small goodbyes. Saying farewell to different stages, only to welcome new ones as our babies gradually move towards independence.
A few weeks ago J started daycare two days a week. I am not due back at work for another two months so the plan has been to gradually ease him into a full day over the next few weeks.
The first day felt like a leap into the great unknown. Even though I’d visited the centre a few times and had met his caregivers, I was still nervous and didn’t know what to expect. Would he sleep there? Would he take his bottle? Would he be happy to interact with his caregivers? but with all the questions in my mind focused on ‘will he be okay’, I really didn’t stop to ask myself if I’d be okay.
I’ve always believed in the power of the universe, but never as much as I do right now. After writing about my feelings about my son on Friday night, I felt a weight lift off me. It felt good to get my emotions out on the computer screen and sent out there into cyberspace, where I thought perhaps a few friends and family members may read them. But then something magical happened. Continue reading
I’ve held my baby boy Jarvis in my arms now for nearly as long as I held him inside me.
Alongside the exhaustion of sleep deprivation and muscle ache from climbing the steep learning curve of mothering, I have been lugging a bag of emotions that weigh heavy on my shoulders and threaten to spill out at the most unlikely of places.
Anger, guilt, resentment, fear, worry and self-pity. I feel them all regularly and intensely. Even in the moments of sheer joy, they are still there. That sheer-shot of guilt from the corner of my beautiful boy’s smile. Continue reading
It’s superfluous to say that I haven’t posted in awhile. Not so much nothing to say, just unsure of how to say it and where I want this blog to go.
Save Mum’s Sanity started as a concept of exploring ways to ‘get out and about’ with a baby in tow and I saw it as a way to motivate myself to try new things and write about them. A way to keep the writer in me sated while I’m on maternity leave, with a view to opening up other options when it came time to go back to the paid workforce.
What I wasn’t counting on was how much an internal battle my journey into motherhood would be and how much my thought patterns could end up holding me back. Continue reading